Study Bible Lesson Three
Wherein JC touts his TLC chops
Note: If you are reading this, and are a bit confused on what the hell (pun intended) is going on, please feel free to read this neat introduction. With that, let’s all follow the Son of Man towards his certain death!
Mentions of Hell by Jesus Christ, The Son of God (The Book of Matthew, Books 21-28)
Matthew 22:13-14 — The weeping and gnashing of teeth are back! Also, JC seems to imply that getting into heaven is like answering a wedding invitation, which… well, I suppose that could also be ironic on all sorts of levels in this Engagement photo, wedding obsessed culture we find ourselves in. Safe to say, be careful when you send in that RSVP
Matthew 23:15 — This comes at the end of a pretty inspired railing against hypocrisy (minus a few odd verses about how we’re all students, which, ok, that’s fine, but don’t call anyone father but god seems a bit, shall we say, Pornhubby?) Anyhow, JC crescendos to the idea of a “Child of hell”… I’m not sure I know what that means, but I’m guessing they listen to Anthrax
Matthew 23:33-36 — “How can you escape being sentenced to hell?” In the midst of an epic mic drop, JC basically lets all these hypocrite scribes and Pharisees they are likely going to go to hell and then goes on in the next few verses that perhaps the whole generation is going to hell? Strong and scary stuff. Also, a bit megalomaniacal?
Matthew 24:51 — The slaves of the parables are back, and well, one of them wasn’t working hard enough and was laying about and drunk, so in this parable, the master (God?) cuts the slave into pieces and sends him to what seems to be hell (weeping and gnashing of teeth)
Matthew 25:30 — Ah yes, the slave who didn’t invest correctly is sent to where there is weeping and gnashing of teeth, so I’m assuming that means hell
Matthew 25:41-46 — All of the people who didn’t follow his teachings are sent to hell. Perhaps they were confused by the parables? They even ask. I get that JC is trying to say “Be Good to people” — “The least of those” etc — but hell remains the opposite of love and I do not understand how a benevolent god can damn anyone to hell. Is it just a lesson? If so, it’s certainly been perverted by Man, with little to no known intervention from God. Shame.
Odd Declarations by Jesus Christ, The Son of God/Just odd or overwrought stuff in general (Matthew Edition, Books 21-28)
Matthew 21:3 — “Just say ‘The Lord Needs Them’ and that should clear it right up!”
Matthew 21:19-22 — Setting aside that JC destroyed a fig tree out of spite for not having any figs, he then goes on to the awful shit about faith moving mountains and also, now, picking up a mountain and throwing it in the sea. Adding that whatever you pray for you will receive. And the Cubs did win the World Series in 2016, so it happened once for me! Bring on the mountains!
Matthew 22:34-40 — Well, damnit. I didn’t make mention of this earlier, but: Earlier JC had gone through a bunch of commandments, stating what were important and should be followed, and he left out the first one about God needing to be loved with all of your heart as the greatest commandment, even greater than the next lesson (commandment?) he cites: ‘Love your Neighbor as yourself’; I don’t understand how a loving god puts worship of himself above love. Doesn’t that strike one as very human, even the human traits that the Son of Man was sent to fix? It’s almost as if the biblical JC was created by man, words shoved in his mouth to keep the people in line, etc. I just don’t understand God and JC’s absolute rigidity on being followed and worshipped at all costs, above all else, including love.
Matthew 22 — The whole chapter, really. I don’t get it. It’s funny to watch as these humans try to stump JC, a supposedly divine character. Each time JC bests his inquisitors, it is followed by a throwaway verse or two about how amazed people are by his teaching. Is this just a book to show not only that the Pharisees and Sadducees are not getting it? But also that JC is not to be fucked with and is everyone’s intellectual superior? I have to say while I admired the verbal and intellectual jousting by JC here, I’m not sure it made me like him any more than before; so, put that in a negative for the character development. Or maybe this is like an anti-hero thing?
Matthew 23:8-9 — I suppose I can follow this logic, especially after the sublime previous 8 verses (see below), but this whole only one teacher and no longer calling anyone father but God seems a tad too far
Matthew 24:34 — According to this, the end of the world will happen before the generation listening to JC will pass away… so, that did not come to be, so how much more of this are we going to listen to… more on that:
Matthew Chapter 24 — Let’s start by saying the third person referencing has really reached a fever pitch. So, there’s that. And while there is a lot of good here about false prophets and the like, this whole chapter strikes me as just the ravings of a… false prophet of the same nature. Is this not just like Oral Roberts coming out and saying the world will end soon, so listen to me? Right? Is that blasphemous? It’s interesting how uncomfortable it makes me to feel to even say that, but it seems transparent that what JC is arguing against is the very thing he is also practicing at the same time, that cunning little minx. He also likens his coming (referring to himself in the third person again) to the floods that wiped out most of humanity around the time of Noah, and I mean, isn’t that just another declaration of genocide? Or has he slipped into some sort of hallucinatory parable of some sort? Which, around verse 45 he brings up slaves (again!). A side note: In this translation, Jesus starts sentences with “Truly I tell you” when he really wants you to know that he’s going to drop some truth and knowledge on you; how is that different from a demagogue saying “Believe me” before or after inflammatory statements? Also, at the end of this parable and chapter, guess what happens?! Someone who didn’t do what they were supposed to do were sent to hell! I mean, at what point are we able to see that this person who had a lot of good to say (for sure) is also just kind of a megalomaniac of sorts
Matthew 25:9 — The wise tell the foolish to go pay for more oil. Capitalism! The market will provide!
Matthew 25:1-13 — OK, we’re back to the wedding banquet parable, this time with foolish (don’t have the right supplies) and wise (have all the supplies) bridesmaids; one is left to assume that the oil to the light and other supplies is faith in god, and that one must have those to get into the wedding banquet. But why the wedding banquet? What the fuck is going on with this obsession with weddings? Was JC a content creator for TLC? Also, when the “foolish” bridesmaids are sent off to get the oil (faith), then the bridegroom (God) comes — what timing this God — and takes those people who have all the supplies (faith) and lets them into the sweet, sweet nine course wedding banquet and reception; and then, when those “fools” arrive with the right supplies (they believe now!), the bridegroom (God) says “I don’t know you” using his good old modifier “Truly” (in this translation) which means he really means business and knowledge is being imparted; after telling these “fools” that he doesn’t know them and they aren’t allowed into this wedding banquet he says “But hey man, always be alert because you don’t know when I will come!” So, now they are just going to be anxious forever; one hopes the oil doesn’t run out. And yes, I get it, it’s a parable, but it’s worth noting that a lot of these parables lead to either a reward of heaven (a wedding banquet of all things) or perhaps some good ol weeping and gnashing of teeth; this seems unseemly and cruel and lacking love. But wait, there’s more; here come the parable of the slaves and masters next!
Matthew 25:14-30 — So, we’re back with the slave and master parable. Let’s first address the creepy refrain of reward (?) in which the master says “I will put you in charge of many things; enter into the joy of your master”. Look, I know, lost in translation and all, but let’s take that as two parts, first this: “I will put you in charge of many things” — is the master giving a slave a promotion? Based on the fact that the slaves who are doing the “right thing” are taking what is given to them (something called “talents” in this translation) and making more of them, one could easily make the argument that this is a parable for capitalism, and the being put in charge of many things is a climbing of the corporate ladder; second: what the fuck does “enter into the joy of your master” mean? OK, mind being pulled from gutter, it would seem to me that this means you have approval of your master (boss, God) and that is the ultimate accomplishment. And then! The slave who didn’t invest the “talent” given to him is admonished for not, basically, investing properly, and is then sent to hell… am I reading this wrong? Is Jesus extolling the virtues of Capitalism and equating prosperity with Heaven? Are these verses generally where we get the prosperity Gospel?1 I have to say this is some troubling shit, if I’m reading it correctly.
Matthew 25:31-46 — Phew! The speaking in the third person makes its triumphant return, though I did not detect any trumpets. This section has some inspired things about “what you do to the least of us you do to me” but it goes back to the same thing I have such trouble reconciling: JC, or the authors of this book (which we are led to believe by many people is God) seem to be wielding the greatest of cudgels — uncertainty around death and the afterlife — to manipulate all the people of the world to their will and message. Yes, often the message is one of love and forgiveness, though through 25 chapters of the first gospel, that message is not nearly as prevalent as one is led to believe2. To say this is a guide to life also strikes me as over simplified and pernicious because it presents such narrow points of view and, again, does not rely on kindness and love nearly as much as is advertised. I grow frustrated when I hear the expected argument of “Well, it’s a book of proverbs, a book of guidance”… I do not find that to be an argument that somehow wipes away the responsibility of all, including the authors of this book (again, we are led to believe by many that this is God himself) for the destruction and horrible servility and desolation wrought on humanity. Most of the way through the first Gospel and I am not too convinced of the moral rectitude, in full, of JC (though, as noted below, he does espouse many wonderful ideas) or of Christianity.
Matthew 26:2 — More third person “Son of Man” talk; I suppose I should take with a grain of salt that this is the “New Revised Standard Version” translation and this has gone through many different translations and languages, but man, third person referencing gets really, really old
Matthew 26:6-13 — Oh boy. This is some intense shit. JC is helping a leper (good on you, JC) and then a woman comes in and dumps ointment on him, like a ton of it, and then the disciples drop because they think that was a waste of the ointment and it could have been sold and the proceeds given to the poor. A very “Christlike” thought indeed. But wait. JC needs to weigh in. And I’ll just quote directly from this translation (emphasis mine): “But Jesus, aware of this, said to them, ‘Why do you trouble the woman? she has performed a good service for me. For you always have the poor with you, but you will not always have me. By pouring this ointment on my body she has prepared me for burial. Truly I tell you [there’s that phrase again], wherever this good news is proclaimed in the whole world, what she has done will be told in remembrance of her.” Well, then. Where to begin. The bolded language (which is Matthew 26:11) is selfish and grotesque. Also, what does his body need any ointment for if he’s going to be up and about in three days time? And then there is that “Truly I tell you” phrase again. Which the reader (and more importantly the listener) has been conditioned to know that some next level shit is dropping from the lord.
Matthew 26:21 — Good ol “Truly I tell you”, this time around the upcoming betrayal
Matthew 26:24-25 — Third person again. Also, he seems to imply he has absolutely no control of what is going to happen to him (A friendly reminder that he is the son of god) and then says that the one who betrays him shared the dip with him so be wary of your table manners! Because if you dip at the same time as the Son of Man, he will then declare that it would be better if you had not been born at all! Then, Judas is like “Surely not I” much like other disciples referenced in verse 22, but Judas had double dipped his chip with JC and when he said “Surely not I” JC basically put his divine finger on his divine nose and said, “you said it, not me”.
Matthew 26:29 — JC commits to not drinking again until the kingdom of heaven is upon us. One must wonder what many millennia of sobriety gets you at an AA meeting. Surely more than a token. Perhaps a throne at the right hand of the father?
Matthew 26:36-45 — Some good character building here, wherein Jesus let’s down his macho Messiah guise and is like Hey dad, really, it has to be me?, though the funnier part of this, to me, is that he then yells multiple times at his disciples for sleeping. Goodness knows I’d be falling asleep all over the place, especially after all of that wine.
Matthew 26:54 — Well then, this should exonerate Judas or anyone or thing people blame for the death of Jesus (The Catholic Church charging the Jewish people with Deicide for, uh, far, far too long)… but Jesus says he has to do this because the scriptures said so!!!!!!
Matthew 26:57-68 — This strikes me as very similar to my limited understanding of Socrates. Could this somehow be lifted from that story? Again, I am woefully under read on philosophy and know little of Socrates, but this strikes me as his trial and death sentence. However, Jesus is Stoic (!!) as fuck here and just allows them to spit on him and such.
Matthew 27:3-7 — Judas tries to repent here and then hangs himself; yet another reason we should probably reconsider Judas’s role in all of this; the priests don’t help anything here by telling him it’s not their problem
Matthew 27:15-24 — Well, it was nice of Pilate’s wife to send a note to him about a dream she had had about Jesus and that he is innocent; it also seems that Pilate washed his hands of this because of the riot going on — big time Jan 6 vibes. Literary wise, the stoicism of JC during this, and the plight of the rabble against him, really makes you feel for him
Matthew 27:51-54 — Seems like a horror movie at this point; or at least the video for “Thriller”. And after the earthquakes and the rocks splitting and such, people have the subdued and humorous reaction: Whoops, maybe that dude was the son of God. Ah well.
Matthew 28:1-10 — I really enjoy that the angel not only rolls the stone away but also sits on it! The guards become like dead men? Does this mean they are dead? I’m beginning to question this translation. Speaking of that, I love when Mary M and Mary come upon the resurrected JC he just says “Greetings!” Ho hum, nothing to see here. In the 10th verse, is Jesus talking about his actual brothers or the disciples?
Matthew 28:11-15 — Well isn’t this quaint? These four verses do a nice job of showing and demonizing the ruling classes (priests) as hypocrites but also basically gives an out for why the Jews don’t think Jesus is the Messiah. I can imagine the anti-semitism from the 15th verse is strong and has spread over millennia. It’s awful.
Bitchin’ Declarations by JC/Just generally kind and cool things (Matthew edition, Books 21-30)
Matthew 21:12-13 — Turning over those tables, baby! This should be a house of prayer — great job, JC!
Matthew 21:23-46 — I will admit that JC lost me in yet another Vineyard centered parable populated with slaves and killing; however, the message seemed to be that sinners will go way before these false priests into the Kingdom of Heaven which I can get behind. Odd how obsessed he is with Vineyards and slaves, though.
Matthew 22:21-22 — This appears to be the “Render unto Caesar” line and could be seen as The Son of Man endorsing a separation between Church and State!
Matthew 23:1-8;10-32 — OK, just when I was doubting JC during his rebellious anti-hero phase (The Gospel of Matthew, Book 22) he calls out the hypocrisy of religious leaders on earth, calling out Falwell and Joel Osteen and Pat Robertson and Oral Roberts and Paula White-Cain and all the rest, and man this is good, good stuff; my man JC right here! It also includes, in this translation, “You strain out a gnat but swallow a camel!” And I have to say, that’s good stuff alright. JC is pissed!
Matthew 24:4-8 — Again here is the Son of Man talking about the Falwells and Oral Roberts, et al, to come, and this is all well and good and he’s right. Not to mention that JC says earthquakes and famines are going to come and they are just “birth pangs” and not fucking god’s wrath as these charlatans would have it. That being said, I will also speak on this in the odd declarations section. But safe to say, warning against false prophets is a metaphor I can get behind and something that can be applied to all of life.
Matthew 25:35-40 — Very commendable message about “what you do to the least of me, You do to me”; good ol JC eliminating class, etc
Matthew 26:52 — “Put your sword away, dude; if you live by the sword you will die by the sword” Violence begets violence. I’m with you Jesus. Which is odd that you allowed the 2nd amendment into your constitution, but then again, god’s plan is a mysterious one.
Matthew 26:57-68 — The stoicism of Jesus is impressive.
Matthew 27:25-44 — Real restraint from JC, and I don’t really say that in a joking manner. What I do find funny is that not only are the high priests and passers by mocking him, but also the bandits who are being crucified right next to him!
Matthew 27:51-54 — Seems like a horror movie at this point; or at least the video for “Thriller”. And after the earthquakes and the rocks splitting and such, people have the aforementioned subdued and humorous reaction: Whoops, maybe that dude was the son of God. Ah well.
Bible covering prophetic tracks (Matthew Edition, Books 21-30)
Matthew 21:4-5 — Reminding us that one time a prophet said Jesus was going to arrive on a donkey with a colt… continuing to cover all the bases!
Matthew 24:15 — Just a reminder that Daniel prophesied “desolating sacrilege standing in the holy place”… “(let the reader understand)”
Matthew 26:54-56 — JC making the case that he has to die because it has been written. Which, ahem, again, should let Judas off the ol hook.
Matthew 26:69-75 — This just smacks of very bad storytelling. Here is Peter denying JC three times in five verses; it seems shoved in at the end of the 26th chapter in order to make sure JC had it right. He even did it right before the cock crowed!
Matthew 27:9-10 — Just making sure the reader knows that Jeremiah predicted this and his prophecy has now come true. The Bible is working over time to make sure everyone knows that this was all preordained, thank you very much.
It isn’t. Those can be found in the book of Malachi (a child of the corn) and the gospel of John (coming soon to a Substack near you!)
Pun and irony intended, I guess.