Study Bible Lesson 1 [Matthew, Chapters 1 - 10]
In the beginning… of JC’s life, that is!
Note: If you are reading this, and are a bit confused on what the hell (pun intended) is going on, please feel free to read this neat introduction. With that, let’s all study the word of the Lord1
Mentions of Hell by Jesus Christ, The Son of God (The Book of Matthew, Books 1-10)
Matthew 5:22 — just for saying “you fool”
Matthew 5:29 — cut that right eye out or you’re going to hell! How dare you look at that butt!
Matthew 5:30 — cut off that right hand off! No more lone, better to be loveless than in hell… which, hmm, I might have a thought or two on that
Matthew 8:12 — Weeping and gnashing of teeth
Odd Declarations by Jesus Christ, The Son of God/Just odd or overwrought stuff in general (Matthew Edition, Books 1-10)
Matthew 5:32 — Only get divorced if that woman is not chaste! And if you marry a divorced woman let’s just go ahead and chalk that up to adultery!
Matthew 5:35 — Heaven in all its glory is a throne! And earth is its footstool. No wonder we can’t get much meaningful climate change work done.
Matthew 5:48 — Be perfect like God! Or else!
Matthew 6:26 — You’re at least better than the birds! And god feeds those feral beasts
Matthew 6:30 — Look, man, if you think you’re as good as the grass, well you obviously have little faith
Matthew 7:21-23 — People come to JC and say, hey, look, I did what you said, and he just DROPS2
Matthew 8:21-22 — “JC, I’m down! Just let me bury my pops real quick” and JC is like “you follow me NOW”
Matthew 9:30 — Don’t you go telling tales about how I cured you of blindness! Is this some sort of Messianic reverse Psychology?
Matthew 10:15 — Hey, disciples, get out there and preach, but if a town drops, then you beat feet! And let me tell you, you think Sodom and Gomorrah had it bad?! Well just you wait. Did I mention the good news? The kingdom of heaven is near!
Matthew 10:23 — Go out there! Go to all the towns, but just know, you’re not going to finish because the son of Man is coming like real soon
Matthew 10:31 — JC once again really just throws massive shade at birds, even a whole murder (?) of sparrows
Matthew 10:32-33 — If you tell everyone I’m heat3, then I’ll vouch for you; if you deny I am heat, well then I’ll act like I don’t know you when my dad asks
Matthew 10:34-39 — So, about that whole “Prince of Peace” moniker… I brought a sword! But alliteration doesn’t really come through in Prince of Sword. Also, in these verses, you’d better love me more than your family or else!
Bitchin’ Declarations by JC/Just generally kind and cool things (Matthew edition, Books 1-10)
Matthew 6:1 — Don’t just be all religious so others will love (vote for) you! Because, you know, if you do, there’s no reward in heaven
Matthew 6:2-4 — Pray in private and God will be down!
Matthew 6:5-6 — more of the same, baby!
Matthew 6: 9-16 — Well, this is the Lord’s Prayer, but don’t we all do this together, far from our rooms?
Matthew 6:21 — Materialism sucks!
Matthew 6:24 — “You cannot serve God and wealth” Jesus is on fucking fire now!
Matthew 6:34 — Hey man, tomorrow will bring its own issues; so focus on today; or, you know, the poetic inverse: Let me forget about today until tomorrow
Matthew 7:1-5 — Judge not lest ye be judged and just don’t be a hypocrite
Matthew 7:12 — Golden Rule and shit
Bible covering prophetic tracks (Matthew Edition, Books 1-10)
Matthew 8:17 — From when Isaiah was like “He took our infirmities and bore our diseases”
Well, the Lord, and like at least 400 ghost (though not holy) writers!
This just means he’s not in any way happy, no way and no how!
Let’s use “heat” in a sentence. “I, your Bible instructor Kevin, think reading is real heat!”