Study Bible Lesson 2 [Matthew, Chapters 11 - 20]
Wherein the Son of Man discusses disloyalty, impending death, and eunuchs
Note: If you are reading this, and are a bit confused on what the hell (pun intended) is going on, please feel free to read this neat introduction. With that, let’s all follow the Son of Man towards his certain death!
Mentions of Hell by Jesus Christ, The Son of God (The Book of Matthew, Books 11-20)
Matthew 11:23-24 — Telling someone named Capernaum that he’s going right to hell because of his deeds of power. Pay attention politicians! Again, here, JC references Sodom as some barometer of awfulness and tells Capernaum the friendly ghost (?) that he’s gonna have it worse than even (gasp) Sodom!
Matthew 13:40-42 — Could be a stretch here as this appears to be in a string of parables, but he does refer to weeds (followers of the evil one) being collected and burned with fire, so, I suppose we’ll count it; and then in the 42nd verse it’s all about getting those evildoers and throwing them in the “furnace of fire” which, when I think about it, what other kind of furnaces are there?
Matthew 13:49-50 — Here come the angels to cut the wheat from the chaff, and then that damned (pun?) furnace again, followed by weeping and gnashing of teeth, which, let’s just say there are billions and billions of “evildoers” and they are all not just gnashing their teeth but also weeping… will the tears extinguish the fire?
Matthew 16:18 — In the same breath (or verse) that JC declares Peter will be the rock his church will be built on, he also reminds everyone that Hell is a formidable adversary and a possibility, but not with Jesus at the helm!
Matthew 18:8-9 — Again with the self severing of limbs so you can go to Heaven without hands or stay fully intact and BURN!
Odd Declarations by Jesus Christ, The Son of God/Just odd or overwrought stuff in general (Matthew Edition, Books 11-20)
Matthew 12:12 — In the midst of pretty much wiping away that whole “Don’t work on the sabbath” commandment, JC next takes aim at sheep and makes clear that, like birds, humans are way more valuable. The lesson here: Help people and sheep! On the sabbath! In that order!
Matthew 12:31-32 — You say bad shit about the Holy Spirit, you’re fucked. There is no forgiveness for that; not now, not ever!
Matthew 12:46-50 — When his mother and brothers (he has brothers? What?) are pointed out, he acts as if they don’t exist and points to his disciples and say they are both his brothers and his mother. One hopes Mary wasn’t in ear shot of this because that’s mean.
Matthew 13:58 — You get no miracles because you don’t believe. Which seems a bit exclusive by the Son of Man, but I’m just the Son of Dan, so what do I know?
Matthew 14 — Herod killed John the Baptist because some woman asked for it?! And then Jesus got introspective and then did that loaves and fish thing, and then walked on water and admonished Peter for not believing enough to walk on water which led to the predictable “Surely you are the Son of Man” etc, as if he had not just been staying on brand for so goddamn long and then used that Messianic Reverse Psychology to his benefit again
Matthew 15:17 — Cool digression into how shitting works
Matthew 15:19-20 — Starts off very strong here, with a good moral argument for the goodness of intention and what we say but then pretty much undercuts germ theory which, let’s be honest, is a bit troublesome, especially when we get to the Dark Ages
Matthew 15:21-29 — So, again, is he like, I’m not helping this woman because she doesn’t believe or have faith and then she kind of picks up the thread of a parable and he’s like, “Oh you get it! Cool, you’re daughter can be healed now. You’re fucking welcome!”
Matthew 16:5-12 — For approximately the 26th time, the Son of Man admonishes those who left their entire family and way of life about having “little faith” while also throwing in a parable about bread that was also referring to a miracle about bread and finally, after a lot of puzzling, the disciples were like, “Oh right, we need to just listen to this dude and no one else… Goodness, got to gain some faith up in this bitch”
Matthew 16:13-17 — Hot on the heels on the lecture and the confusing bread/yeast/faith diatribe, Jesus tests the faith and belief systems of a group of people who — and the emphasis will be mine here: dropped everything they were doing, left their families and vocations and lives to follow this dude around; and well wouldn’t you know it, Peter was like, hey man, you’re the son of God, certainly afraid of being on the receiving end of another strange yeast-centric parable about how he doesn’t believe enough
Matthew 16:20 — “OK, I’m the Messiah but don’t you DARE tell anyone else that, you got it?! Let’s take a poll. One by one, I need you all to say you won’t tell anyone!”
Matthew 16:23 — Just five short verses after declaring Peter is the Rock on which he will build his church, he calls Peter “Satan,” and tells him to back the fuck up
Matthew 16:24-26 — “I know, I know, you’ve already (sighs, hits control B) walked away from your entire life and family! (Control B again) but you also need to grab a cross and die with me, maybe in a parable form, I don’t know, did I mention yeast? But yeah, gotta die (either real or like that mustard seed shit from a while back) or else you’ll never know true life.”
Matthew 17:17 — Jesus goes on about how awful people are and how aggrieved he is that he has to help them and man, how much longer?! “Can’t I just be crucified already instead of dealing with these faithless assholes?! Just bring your kid here and I’ll fix it. Ughhh”
Matthew 17:21-22 — OK, again with the lack of faith. At this point, even if he was just a fucking walking bakery, I would certainly be tempted to tell him to stick it and go back to the family I left behind. Oh, and also, faith moves mountains. And yes, I know, I know, I’m missing the parable and it’s a metaphor, but really?! REALLY?!
Matthew 17:22-23 — Talking in the third person, something he’s done plenty of, but the Narcissism is really gathering speed
Matthew 18:23-35 — OK, yep, this is a weird one; it comes from a place of love, I think, but then slaves are strangling slaves, and the lessons come back around to always forgive, and the master of the slave (Lord and his follower, a bit, uh, pejorative if you ask me) forgives the slave at first of his debts but then when the master (Lord) realizes the slave (follower) had not forgiven the people below him he tortured him and then JC is like, you’d better fucking forgive or the Lord is going to fuck you up! Which seems far from benevolent
Matthew 19:9 — Here we go again with the admonishing of divorce unless, of course, the wife is not chaste, and then, well, yeah, of course you can divorce her and without fear of being an adulterer… This is starting to get old and certainly I can see how this would really grate on any member of the female persuasion, though, I suppose this would be another example of how this is a parable or a metaphor or something, but… uh, alright, fine, it’s not literal
Matthew 19:10-12 — Not even sure what to do here. Basically Jesus says Eunuchs don’t need to follow this marriage teaching then lets slip that some people make themselves Eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven?
Matthew 19:28-30— Slipping back into third person again and also noting that each disciple gets his own throne and gets to judge one of the 12 tribes! I’m glad those numbers work out together! Also, he seems to acknowledge for the first time, maybe ever, that all these people are just leaving their lives and following him and that following him does have its own reward. Also includes the good ol first shall be last and last first bit.
Matthew 20:1-16 — OK, taking the last will be first thing a bit further with a capitalist/free market parable about how the kingdom of heaven is a vineyard and it’s god’s private property and he has the right to do with his property what he will, and how dare you question him for being generous! So, like, it seems a way to stiff certain workers? Based on the lord’s whim?
Matthew 20:18-19 — More third person pontificating about impending death
Matthew 20:24-28 — A bit confused here, but in the 28th verse, more Third Person fun and then, in this translation at least, a reference to his death as “Ransom”
Bitchin’ Declarations by JC/Just generally kind and cool things (Matthew edition, Books 11-20)
Matthew 12:7 — Basically saying you should show mercy to people and not always point out when they’re wrong; though, pointing out when someone is wrong is one thing, sending them to hell, another
Matthew 12:25-32 — A house divided against itself cannot stand, though used much better by Lincoln as this appears to be JC telling people to not speak out against him; so yes, dividing is bad but is this, well, Christlike?
Matthew 15:32-39 — He did the bread thing again?! Like fed four thousand people with only seven loaves of bread and a few fish. I had no idea he did this twice; it’s kind of like when George Harrison didn’t realize that the Beatles had played Shea Stadium twice except that the Beatles actually did that while, even if Jesus of Nazareth existed, I doubt he somehow made food proliferate by sheer will and miracle… but then again, faith and stuff
Matthew 18:3-5 — Let’s be good and welcoming to children, I’m behind that!
Matthew 18:22 — Yes, now we’re in the meat and potatoes, JC saying you should always forgive but then he starts to go into a long and strained story about slaves which, yeah, we’ll cover that above
Matthew 19:21-22 — This is some cool shit, sell all your stuff and donate to the poor, and then you’ll be rewarded in heaven. Cool, cool. Then because he doesn’t seem to be able to help himself, he slips in a “then you should follow me”. Then some good shame cast on the dude with all the stuff. Good lesson here!
Matthew 19:23-24 — Some more meat and Potatoes here. Rich people won’t go to heaven. Camel and Eye of the needle. You know the tune. And to be honest, I’m surprised this continues to be printed in Bibles, though not that surprised as Religion strikes me as something that gives hope to the poor and can lead to good things, but also, can and has been used to keep the masses ignorant and suppressed.
Bible covering prophetic tracks (Matthew Edition, Books 11-20)
Matthew 12:17-21 — Herein we see that whatever Isaiah said about a quiet dude that God has put his spirit in, or on, has come true and Matthew wanted to let us know
Matthew 12:39-42 — Jonah was in the belly of that whale for three days so JC is going to be dead, or wandering around the core of the earth… or something; also, JC is better than Jonah! See! And Solomon! See!
Matthew 13:13-16 — Isaiah said that people will be too dumb or stubborn to hear Jesus’s message if spoken directly, so that’s why JC speaks in parables. Because his followers, well most of them, are idiots.
Matthew 13:25 — I will open my mouth and speak in parables, basically showing some shit that was hidden before right when I started talking
Matthew 15:3-9 — Kind of a double feature here, not only does he bring up the Honor thy Father and Mother commandment (with the reminder that our benevolent father in heaven said any bad word against mother or father should lead to death — one must ask what would have come of DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince); but then, after going through this, he brought up another one of these pesky prophecies that needed to be fulfilled — just checking off all the boxes, ol JC